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I heard that somewhere; I can’t remember when or where…maybe it was just the echo of my own thoughts, my virtual reality. This sometimes happens; I run something around in my head long enough I believe it to be true. This has turned into one of those thoughts, the clinging kind… not letting go (what I love about my ‘thought’ is my ‘thinking’ the thought should let me go… and we are not gonna go down that rabbit hole!).
Feeling far away from myself settles in when I am alone, I go to sleep and still lingers as I wake… I’m the curious type so I chose to look at it with the intention to build a story of what it might mean… I’m noticing a feeling of impatience so I am pushing to form perhaps before its function is fully realized… I can be impatient with my own evolution… it’s a part of me I have grown to love; the impatient child in me that sometimes wants to skip dinner and go straight to desert… to rush the process and ignore the divine nature of emergence.
I’ve had the most interesting, delightful, intense and fulfilling start to this brand new year and yet, I notice this sense of unease or an unsettled feeling… lurking below the surface… a sensation that has yet to reveal its form or meaning has left me feeling far away from myself.
There is a question I ask to find ‘answers’ when thoughts hang on; a query to which I owe thanks to Peter Block. When I am captivated by an energetic shift, be it a speeding up or a slowing down, expansive or restrictive, AND I am present enough to myself to notice this shift… I ask myself…
‘what part of me is disturbed by this?’. A brilliant question …desinged to provoke self-reflection, and I’ve noticed when I sit in this question, the most interesting insights and awareness can emerge… give it a try.
So I sat, allowing myself, the best I could, to examine the nature of this sensation that has captivated me for days… ‘I’m feeling far away from myself’ and asked ‘What part of me is disturbed by this?’
My intention in this process was to determine where this disturbance ‘lives’ in me. To capture the essence of the energy, I seek to discover the nature of which it shows up… fast or slow? Am I anxious or on the edge of inspiration? Is it restrictive or expansive? Am I in danger or am I stepping into a new state of being? Am I getting a glimpse of the parts of myself I have not yet occupied? Big questions, or not.
These questions are essential to finding a way to move through whatever it is that has taken up camp in my conscious and subconscious thinking… Feeling far away from myself, the cause of this sensation; I must go inside, be present to the sensation rather than get swept away in the initial impulse of the fight, flight or be fooled by my own thinking and possibly seduced by the energetic.
I would describe myself as a thinker; however, I think (he he) I’m transitioning to being more of a sensor. When I am present to myself, I can feel a room, feel energy, and feel emergence. Not a type of clairvoyance rather, a knowing … deeper than my thinking. It’s like a superpower that has moved me beyond any intellectual process could ever take me. My thinking comes from putting together bits from my past to draw conclusions…. My sensing allows me to step into the unknown, into ambiguity and allow the moment to reveal itself.
And here I contradict myself by wanting more form around this sense of feeling far away from myself… balancing advocacy (thinking) and inquiry (allowing).
Upon initial examination, feeling far away from myself could lead me to conclude (thinking), because I have been so busy, that I am somehow disconnected, off purpose, off track, swept away… that is where my thinking self initially put it. Had I believed my first impression of this… I would know what to DO… re-group,, align with my goals and make a list of ‘to-do’s’… all of those ‘doing’ processes that could resolve this unsettling sense of being far away from myself. Essentially ‘get your a#% back on track girl!’ An impulsive and habitual leap to the negative… I stopped myself and sat a little longer.
When I asked myself again ‘what part of me is disturbed by this?’ it didn’t feel restrictive, it felt more, what I imagine it might feel like the second before you pull your parachute after leaping out of an airplane… a leap of faith with a knowing you are leaving a sense of security into the unknown, risking it all but trusting the process.
Thankfully a deeper dive into the self is much less risky than skydiving!
That’s what I have landed on is this sense of ‘feeling far away from myself’ is not disconnection from my goals or the doing part of me, rather living more deeply from purpose inspiring me to take big leaps into possibility, exploring new ground, new collaborations and my personal moments of challenge, excitement, pain and growth…it requires courage to be vulnerable and trust the Universe will catch me…to lead is to ‘go forth and die’… feeling far away from the parts of myself that are no longer required…
Does this resonate with you? Have you ever felt far away from yourself and jumped to the conclusion that something was wrong? Try sitting in the moment and ask yourself ‘what part of me is disturbed by this?’ You may surprise yourself in this inquiry and open to the possibility that feeling far away from yourself is an indication you are transitioning to a new level of you?
Being Massively Human™ requires we move beyond the habit of our conscious mind and sit in the silence of not knowing and allow us to step into the parts of ourselves we have not yet occupied.
Your thoughts? Reactions? I would love to hear from you.
Much love to you…
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